Worth

Must be the lip gloss, shining on my lips, the perfume scent. 
Or the curve of my body that seems to attract these men. 
Its the same old, the usual, but this attention is still brand new. 
Cause before I just got ignored, was nothin but a simple female.
But now because my jeans look painted on and fit just right, 
guys stare and drool at first plain sight. 
So the ones that never looked in my direction, 
Are the ones that seem to want me more than ever, 
Which leads me to question:
Was it not my personality or the characteristics I encompassed, that they wanted to learn?
No. 
They wanted to know how every last inch of bare skin, of every luscious curve, looked underneathe my clothes. 
Because that's what they see females as, 
Not so much as beautiful art works that we are,
But merely a toy to play with at first, take advantage, and lose us
And typically thats when they soon wished they had learned a woman's worth.

DAD

And still I hear his voice echoing in my head
And yet I hear the PAIN echoing in his heart
And the STRAIN that it takes to hold back the tears
From coming like a hurriCANE, 
Ready to spiral around, wipe clean the weak but no not him. 
He's tall n strong.

CBreezy Baby

For those of you that know me this guy right here just does something. And although he is a good-looking guy that is not the only reason I like him. Chris Brown is just a very talented guy, a singer, dancer and actor, a triple threat. I am so fascinated by his dancing, well any dancer at that, but he just so happens to be in the limelight and i can watch him dance all day. In his powerhouse performance, I was blown away. Having front row seats (thanks tee) the experience was phenomenal. It happened to be the first time performing after the Rihanna situation, and he performed like he never left. ON top of him holding my hand during "Yo" I feel completely in love with him as an artist.

Dare to Make Mistakes

Where do I begin? Well I must say that it is a beautiful thing, to look at someone who is one half of you, someone who you have to teach, someone who is going to be there forever and a love so unconditional, it's shocking. I can admit you could never be prepared enough, no matter how many books you may have read or how many personal stories were told to you, motherhood is definitely a challenge.

The first feeling I felt was " this can't be real," even 'til this day, nearly 10 months later, it's shocking and weird for me to say " I am a mother." Not to say I'm shameful in anyway, but for some reason I still feel like I am a teenager. But for someone who has not been under their parents wing for years, I consider myself an adult. It is such an eye opener when you transition into being a parent. You slowly start to realize what exactly was given up & you realize how much patience you have to build up. There has been times where it really hit me, and I mean hit me really hard. But then I look at him and it all makes sense. Though I did realize that things will never be the same, I do realize that my life is not over, as so many people may say. There were so many things i did know as to helping with my baby brother and there were plenty things I had to learn. And with that the criticism emerges. One thing I had to also realize was that no matter what there's someone with an opinion. Being surrounded by mothers, fathers, grandparents the critiques were there and I easily found myself becoming annoyed and frustrated. I was told to do things a certain way from one person, told to do it another by a different person and it just went round and round, that I really had to stop and do what me and my significant other thought was a better decision. With that i was also looked at as a "bad" mother at one point. In fact I was told "maybe it's cause you are a new mother," and THAT was when I realized that people can do nothing but talk based solely on what they see; a prime example of judging a book by its cover. No matter what I knew was happening and how I knew I was being the best mother I could, if seen going out too much, I was degraded to a "bad mother." No matter how much I knew I was working hard for him, no matter how I knew that he was all there was, it was triumphed by what people have seen or read. Unfair? maybe. But that's the life we live in. From that day on I realized that no one is perfect, though I wanted to be that. I did leave an occasional wipe out or a bib, but guess what shit happens right? And to my knowledge those were all man-made things, so if they were not to exist you find a different alternative correct? yeah that's what I thought as well. I mean it is what it is at the end of the day, i just always keep in mind that someone is always watching.

Everything I have put my effort into has been for my son. He is the reason I'm trying my hardest to get where I want to be, to give him everything I was able to have and more. My family means the world.

There's no better Love

Meet Jace! It's no secret, as you can tell, that during the past two years I was missing, I gave birth to a7lb 12oz, 20in. long handsome baby boy. It was an unexpected surprise but a lovely gift. He's about ten months now and it has been a challenge for the most part. But before I go into that, I'll give you a little insight on the pregnancy stage.

PREGNANCY

Miami carnival 2009, was when I think I initially started to feel weird, I felt extremely lazy and tired, but I thought it was the scorching Miami sun. When I got back, I felt nauseous every morning and began to vomit while at work, and I kept telling myself that it couldn't be that, yes, I was in full denial and definitely nervous. I decided to finally just take a pregnancy test and of course it just confirmed what i already knew. I was hysterical because I knew my life was going to be different from that moment on. It was alot to be prepare for, in fact I don't even think anyone could ever prepare for everything. But the pregnancy itself was tough, from the vomiting to the mood changes to the kicking and swollen feet.
It was an experience I will never forget, right down to nearly having my stomach pressed against the bus railing because my stomach wasnt huge and not one man offering a seat. But I'm a WOMAN, we are strong, we do this! All in all it was a very emotional time for me, and i thank a whole lot of people who were there from day 1 and made sure I was ok and well. I could never thank them enough, and a very special thanks to Tee who was always there when I needed her for anything, right down to wiping my tears and not saying a word and of course Kabby for loving me at work.

LABOR

When I think of the morning I woke up with contractions it felt unreal. A couple of days after my due date and the last few weeks I felt anxious and most of all I needed him out of me, I beared all that I could for the pregnancy. And that morning came, texted the mister and said "yeah so I think I'm gonna go to the hospital today." Walked to the back and told Tee "umm so yeah I think I'm having contractions and might go to the hospital," she looked at me with a blank stare "so I'm gonna just take a shower." I don't think neither of us knew what was exactly said.

I thought I had this, laid down and started breathing and staying calm until I was told I should go to the hospital. The mister picked my back pain. swollen foot. anxious ass up to go. And good thing cause I was 4cm dilated, and refused the drugs for the extreme pain I was trying to contain. BIGGEST mistake! It was so rough, I gave in to the epidermal and I had an HOUR of heaven, but yes only ONE hour of amazing comfort. Unfortunately, I was one of the unlucky ones. I screamed, I cried, I bit & squeezed arms & hands, I tried to climb up walls, break the handrails, basically I was HURTING. Til this day I get knots in my stomach just thinking bout it.

After hours of screaming for my mom, for Mikhail, for ANYONE that could help me, I told them I was ready to get him out, and though they told me I wasn't set yet, I KNEW it was time and I HAD to push. You guys could never grasp the concept of labor unless you experienced it for yourself.

A lot of breathing and pushing, more breathing and pushing, my son JACE R. LIVERPOOL push right through me and boy was I glad, and definitely exhausted, that I didn't even want to hold him. ( don't make that face, that does not make me mean )








That was the longest ten months in my life, and yes a full term pregnancy
is actually 40 weeks, but the prize was well worth it.

Attack

Your words, 
like vines taking my breath away, 
as they wrap around my neck, 
one at first then they multiply. Attacking me, 
inflicting pain, gaining every inch towards my destruction, 
as I lose evry bit of hope and dedication. 
Internally brusing the origin of where my thoughts linger. 
Where the distinguishment between right and wrong is held. 
And for every letter you put together to spell these words,
they physically form the shape of daggers and bullets,
each injuring my mindset and killing my soul.

"It's so easy, To think about Love, To Talk about Love, To wish for Love, But it's not always easy, To recognize Love, Even when we hold it.... In our hands."-Jaka

HEY GUYS! I know its been a VERY long time since I last posted and trust me when I say alot has changed. I'd love to go into complete detail with everything but that would probably take up many pages, but I'll gradually update you guys.

You ever ask yourself why you ever did something that you knew just wasn't right? yeah, me too. And then there are some questions that have no right or wrong answer, an endless debate. So, what's love? What makes someone want to be with another person? Why does someone stay knowing they are hurting? And this myself have a hard time answering. I know everyone has different relationships and they all have there ups and downs; that comes with the territory. And the only thing I could come up with is LOVE. Love is why people stay, it is why we date, marry, have children, it is what we deep down inside we all long for, after all no one wants to end up lonely. Love seems to be, or what we would like it to be a "happy" feeling, but why do some associate it with the cliche 'pain is love', or 'love is blind?' What is it that makes us unable to think straight, use what we know, and decipher the difference between what's wrong and what is right? And there are many scientific reasons like codependency, as to why someone in a bad, unhealthy or abusive relationship stays in it. Honestly to be quite frank, I wish I understood it for myself. I catch myself doing things and asking myself why? I find that I love too hard, and give my all, no matter what may have happened. Maybe there is a psychological reason, but for now I'll just say love is in fact blind and maybe we need to see what we fear.